every passing minute is a another chance to turn it all around.

at midnight last night i went on a date. i got a call from a friend and a few moments later i was whisked away in a car and we went out and came back and it was nothing interesting or exciting.

and afterward i hoped that the way i felt then was an indication of how i was on my way to feeling: not settling for anything less than what i want or deserve.

i have this sneaking suspicion that no one really truly understands what they do to the people around them. from the moment you say hello to each other for the first time, you have a connection. whether that connection lasts for a few seconds of an elevator ride, a few months for a fleeting companionship, or a lifetime of friendship or love, i suppose is up to the circumstances at the time. but the truth is, that when youre in a relationship of any kind with someone, things you do that you could never imagine affecting the other person affect the other person. what you say, what you dont say, what you think, what you write, your body language, the tone of your voice, who else you associate yourself with, these all compile to form this mass of things that have an influence on your relationship with each other.

i suppose its up to the individual to make these circumstances such that they benefit the relationship rather than harm it.

ive been reading again a lot more lately. it makes you see things you didnt realize within yourself. this is what i know for sure. i am ready for unconditional love. it will take some work to learn how to give this kind of love to others, but i hope that one day i can be lucky enough to receive it in return. all anyone can hope to do is receive that kind of love in return.

"getting angry and assigning blame may give us a fleeting sense of power that momentarily relieves our fear, but those feelings originate within us, not with our partner's behavior."

dear friends:
several months ago someone threw me off a building and since then ive just been falling. there's no way to stop it and there's no where to land but the ground...and even on the ground im not sure where i'll end up...and no matter where i end up, i dont know what will happen to me after i land. this is a scary prospect.

i just want to land. im so ready to land. and in the process of all this i really need help. im not so sure i can handle this one solo. i need encouragement, i dont need to feel like an incompetent failure all the time. by the same token, praise and encouragement that isnt genuine is not worth being granted at all...its worthless actually. so im sorry for the way ive been, theres more in my sketchbook i could say, but i dont think it will do any good today.