4/16/06

i wish things were neat and easy and clean and happy. but they arent. they're messy and sometimes ugly and scary and sad. but after, all i hear thats part of the journey. you have to go through the rough to truly understand the beautiful. and maybe that is what im doing with myself right now. pushing buttons i know i shouldnt and saying things just to see what happens.

it is true, my feelings are valid. once upon a time i did feel like maybe i wasnt getting my share of the pie, but now i think maybe that was a wrong way to go about it. when a relationship isnt exactly normal, then how can you expect ANY part of it to be conventional? its not bad and its not wrong, its just that other people might not understand or condone it. but oh i forgot, what do they matter anyway?

i know how i feel and in truth thats all ive got. i cant control the way other people feel and react to the things i say and do. i only hope i can be someone that my friends and family will be proud of and someone that is capable of being loved and being a good love-er.

oh yah, and im sorry, but what happened to normal anyway? i mean people can evaluate my life however they'd like, but in truth, what is their right to say anything? nobody is completely conventional because no one can truly ever define what normal is...there's always room for argument.

i take back what i said. i dont think i was being a selfish bitch for saying what i said because that is how i felt and no one can condone the way you feel personally, but i dont feel that way anymore. im learning how to play a game ive never played before and im really bad at it. i sometimes wonder if anyone out there in the world would care enough and have enough patience with me while i plod my way through the rulebook.

i can be so ungrateful sometimes. here someone is throwing love right at me and all i can do is wonder when he's going to move on to the next best thing. the past can be blinding i suppose, but thats no excuse.