one night. five parties. good times.

i am utterly exhausted b/c im so tired i can't sleep so its this crazy cycle of insomnia and party food. i need to lay off the lays and m & m's.

so now its summer and i totally didn't even realize it. it's funny how quickly things change in your mind. in the course of the last 24 hours, my outlook has completely changed. i feel stronger and more powerful, but definitely sad. i know what i want so badly, but i just know its not going to happen, and now i know i need to work on being ok with that fact.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

i deserve good things. this is something i have recently realized. i don't think im conceited or out of line for saying that. i've been told i let people walk all over me and let them take more from me than they give in return, and i'm wondering if maybe they're right.

alex told me once that he admired me for my optimism and positive outlook. i've never really considered myself an optimist, but whatev. but at this point i'm wondering if maybe optimism is a bad thing. i mean sometimes it seems like optimism is just you lying to yourself and making yourself believe in things that aren't real and make things seem better than they are. optimism is ignoring the fact that bad things are out there and youre setting yourself up to get hurt. maybe its better just to recognize the prescence of these bad things and avoid hurt later. i hate that it has to be like this.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

now the question is what is the right thing to do?

i'm pretty sure its gonna hurt, but i don't know the answer right now. ask me in two weeks.