well it is all over now.

i have to say last night was one of the weirdest nights of my life. graduation itself is quite the bizarre experience, just because in the end it was the parents acting like little kids waving frantically in their twinsets and bermuda shorts from the stands while we all looked on very calm collected, and formally dressed. walking around the field after it was all over was also quite the experience. knowing that the often random people that i sat next to in lunch or in world history would be the very people i would never speak to again. it is strange how you can so quickly go from having a very personal and meaninful and close relationship with someone you see on a daily basis to being perfect strangers once your schedules change with the new semester.

so now everyone's schedule changes and i'm left to wonder if absolutely all of my friends will fade out of my life just like Megan Scherer, my used-to-be best friend turned lunch buddy when i didn't have anyone to sit with in the 10th grade. will we all just fade from each other like that?

last nights weirdness dealt not only with the graduation ceremony, but also the ride there. being squished between our salutatorian matt fischer and big mac daddy bri in a startling deja vu of prom night limo ride was quite interesting. hey we beat jordan there in the end, or should i say daniel webb.

after graduation and dessert at the rasmusens' house, there was the box digging up. of course we are retards and put it right next to a lake that has risen over the location of said box numerous times in the past four years. wow the intelligence is astounding. it was quite anticlimactic b/c so much was destroyed. most of the papers and things were illegible, but some of the notes of poems about mr. mize and little notes about bill and all those adventures were still in tact enough.

the night finally reached an orgasmic climax of weirdness when jenny and i proceeded, against warnings of two friends telling us not to go, to go to rq's party. o my that was some crazy stuff. and you ask me why i dont partake in the beverages...just look at these kids. it was at 5 am when i have alex's cell phone down my shirt and am covered in tortillas in robin's hopefully not soiled bed that i wonder to myself "what are you doing here? is this how you imagined your graduation night turning out? spending the evening coercing alex out of calling everyone in her phonebook and sharing stories about laffy taffy with jenny m?"

the answer is no. but what else was i supposed to do. from senior breakfast to what happened after that to graduation to the after parties, everything was completely strange. and that is how i know everything is right in the world. nothing is right.

i have recieved one yearbook entry and one card for graduation that have made known feelings someone had towards me that are much stronger that i realized. isn't it interesting how people sometimes wait until the last minute to say what they mean? is it out of fear of rejection? i think that we miss out on so much when we do this because what might have been will always reign king in the back of our minds. i would react positively towards either of these two propositions, but i can't help but wonder if its all too late of if the timing is just wrong. letting someone know how you feel 5 minutes too late: these are the types of things people regret in their lives.

im quickly realizing that this is a long entry, but i'm running on about 5 hours of sleep right now and when i dont sleep i get emo and think too much. last night was graduation after all.

so now graduation is over but all the other stuff isnt, and the magnitude of my situation won't hit me until it is. but until then i am slowly realizing that not only did i just graduate, school is out. those are two totally different things, by the way, and it means i have a full summer ahead of me to have a blast that i kinda didnt realize i had. let the good times roll.

unfortunately i can't help but approach this situation with an smidge of worry and uncertainty. i dont know what is going to happen next b/c at least up until now i was just worrying about the future of my whole little situation and not the present cause in the present there were structured rules i had to follow and i knew what was going on. i no longer no what is going on. i dont know how the future of my situation looks and i dont know how this is all going to play out. im scared b/c i know exactly what i want and i'm about 99% sure im not going to get what i want and to the selfish angie, this is a very disheartening fact.

pick me. choose me. love me.

why cant i just go about anything in the normal way? why can't i just eat my food like a normal person, not a scanvenging bird? why can't i be in loved the way everyone else is? something is obviously wrong with me.

a baby sleeps in all our bones so scared to be alone.