ive packed a change of clothes cause its time to move on.

crossing slowly such a big bridge. we'll all make mistakes along the way. so just hold your breath and take a step into, into whatever comes after. if you think this could be what you want, you just gotta try.

it seems as though caitlyn had the perfect aim away message for me today so i put it here haha.

its my last full day in the knox. fittingly, its rainy and dreary, but oddly warm for december. we signed the subleases this morning, but im still not sure i feel this is really real. i have to say that if my time here at ut could have been anything remotely like what the past few weeks here have been like for me, there's no doubt i would have stayed. formal, christmas parties, watching movies with ebeth and sam, finishing up school, jordan visiting and going to gatlinburg, random trips out for ice cream and of course monday night dinners have made the past few weeks truly good ones. i guess its nice to be able to say that i went out on a good note. i have no grudge about ut. i think its a wonderful school and will continue to rise in its standings in the years to come. my bad experiences here were frankly self-induced. the people im close to here have been wonderful and i will still cheer for tennessee because i was born and raised a volunteer. i will still uphold that this area of the country (not so much the ut campus or the city of knoxville aka mini detroit as belton likes to call it) is much more beautiful than middle georgia with its rolling hills and the smokey mountains in the distance. i have seen some of the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets of my life over the tennessee river.

perhaps if i gave all this one more semester to pan out, things would be fine. sometimes when i think about it logically, its quite stupid of me to go anywhere else. im already established here, ive already made headway in my program here. now i get to go erase all that to start over. at least if i dont get into my major here i have a backup plan, at georgia there is no plan. i guess panic is the plan. everyone else seems to think that me going to georgia is the easy way out, like im going to have this paradise of a life sitting before me on a silver platter as soon as i get there. maybe im just being stupid but i dont think its that way at all. im going into a harder program at a campus i dont know with a lot of odds stacked against me. im walking into people's lives who used to be a part of mine, but now have new lives of their own. i dont fit into that new picture. so no, its not all cherry pies and chocolate cake, its going to be hard, and its going to hurt. its going to make me doubt whether ive done the right thing, but i dont know what else im supposed to do.

i dont feel like analyzing it anymore, why things happened the way they did. why i changed my mind. what may or may not happen next. im too tired to deal with it all anymore. the plans are set and i doubt theyll change. ive got to remember to take this all one day at a time. its too early to be worrying about what happens in nine months. i cant do that to myself.

when i apologized to my dad about wasting a lot of his money on out of state tuition for, in the end no reason. he rejected my apology. he said he was paying for an experience, and he was right. even though im coming home i feel like i did do something here. if i had to stick it out here, if there was no way out, i could find a way. i can go to a city knowing no one and somehow find my way around and find the best grocery store and make a small appearance on the scene and stay alive. at the age of twenty i know i am capable of doing all of these things. and maybe thats what he payed for. and thats what i have that some people dont. its not right or wrong its just part of the experience.

this is all been an exercise in learning who i am. when you disconnect yourself from all the people who've known you forever and know you so well you find out a lot about yourself. im a loner. im an only child independent loner who only lives for herself. im selfish and reserved and feel insecure in broad social situations. being out alone after dark makes me uncomfortable as does not having any cash on my person. i cant stand the smell of sauted mushrooms and i dont think its a good idea for me to live with other virgos. i can create a grilled cheese via four different cooking methods and though i cant read a map, i can figure out where roads go. i dont like sleeping alone anymore and i am slightly dyslexic.

i have a lot to learn and it starts with me. the next thing i need to learn is how to be in a relationship, how to truly become unselfish and understanding. how to compromise and how to care. ive got a lot of work to do, but first i have a lot of packing to go.

it feels like this is the day ive waited for since i got here a year and a half ago; im going home.

I'm staring out into the night
Trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain

The miles are getting longer, it seems
The closer I get to you
I've not always been the best man or friend for you
But your love, it makes true
And I don't know why
You always seem to give me another try

So I'm going home
Back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from
No, I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home
I'm going home


Balls to the walls eyes faced forward headstrong not looking back.