kinkos? no dude, f*** kinkos!

it's official: the end of the semester is kicking my ass. i have an exam in art history in about three hours and i have just lost all desire to look at another one of albrecht durers representations of Christ carrying the cross. theres so much going on right now: studying, finishing projects, a shit ton of really bad writing, packing, trying to get these mofos to sign my sublease, getting all contraband items out of my apartment, getting ready for orientation at my new school (my head is spinning after the spanish qualifying exam i just took, its been way too long). so like ive been saying, i have had a lot on my mind. then i went to kinkos...

i had to get some stuff printed for my gd final. i went to kinkos the night before it was due, i suppose a mistake on my part, but it wasnt due until four the next day so i had time. i walk in the store and the guy freaks out and says they are super busy and they cant take the two seconds it would take for them to print my six 8.5x11 color pages so i have to do this self service thing.

now ill pref this by saying that im not much of a self service kind of person. i enjoy the self checkout at kroger when i only have a few items and everyone else has 34809, and theres no need to pay extra for gas just to have a dude in a jumpsuit come pump it for you anymore. but i feel these days the idea of self service may have gotten a little out of hand. im not a business person, but i do understand that self service improves efficiency and frees up employee time to be running more important aspects of the business, but we also have to think of customer satisfaction here. and i am an unsatisfied customer. here is why.

so im like i dont really want to do this whole self service thing because the whole reason i go to kinkos rather than just printing it on my perfectly good printer here is because they have a good supply of nice paper and printers that do a better job than mine can. at only a little over a dollar a sheet, i think its worth it. im looking at this inkjet business theyve got going on in the self area with an eye of suspicion, so i ask the guy if the print quality will be good, he says yes. i ask if i can see some of the paper. its not as good as what i usually get, but its not see through and that was all that mattered to me. the guy asks for my credit card and shoves it into this slot at the computer. i am now being charged twenty cents a minute just for breathing in this room. i frantically rush to the computer, precious dollars ticking out of my account with every passing moment, to try to print my documents with as little fiscal harm as possible.

i print the first document. it is completely cropped off and ironically turned sideways. i know im a student, but im not an idiot, the document was set up just fine. i call homeboy over to help me and have to wait for five minutes as he helps a disoriented lady work the copy machine. again i hear "cha-ching" ringing in my ears as the minutes rack up on my credit card. homeboy comes and does something to the computer and i print the rest of my documents just fine.

i note that the colors are quite off on two of the prints, what should be bright purple is now a dull burgundy and what should be a soft golden is now a violent piss color. i remove my credit card which has now been charged over 14 dollars. i go to the counter to be reimbursed for the first two prints that got shot to hell. homeboy #2 helps me. i ask him why my purple now looks like the color of airplane seats and my yellow looks like someones bladder exploded all over my project. he takes my credit card and tells me it's probably because the machine is getting low on ink.

thats it.

why do you think i came here in the first place? to use a failing machine? YES! That is why i came! I wanted to make sure, that instead of looking like the brilliant masterpiece I spent hours creating on the computer, that my project looks like absolute shit! Thank you homeboy #2!

He gives me my card back. I wait for a receipt. He tells me I have to go to this machine to get a receipt. I sigh with defeat. The machines have taken over. I go up to the kiosk it tells me to put my card in. I swear, I've been shopping all day at the mall and not used my credit card this much. i stick my card in the machine, it wont take it. i consider breaking my card by forcing it into the machine in protest of this dumbassery, but decide that will only hurt myself. i march out of the store into the rain (they didnt give me a bag to protect my prints) having paid 12 dollars for something that should have cost me six, and thats with the nice paper.

in summation, even though the people at kinkos are complete dumbasses, they are nice. you cannot replace dumbassed-niceness with a machine of any kind. and i never did get my receipt.