rollercoaster.
damn what a weekend. im tired, sore and recovering from a mild wine headache from last night. this weekend encompassed many things. discovery health channel documentaries about sex (very interesting, btw you should check it out), discussing classy christmas parties, sex stores, funnel cakes, rednecks, ravioli, hairdressing, hauling my drunk room mate around and not quite enough sleep. it was great.
this weekend was formal and it was a lot of fun. my room mate tagged along and it was at a bank of all places. she kissed jordan on the bus on the way home and almost drove both of us insane haha.
as my friends said goodbye to jordan, they said goodbye to him for good. he's not coming back for another visit and i wont be back next semester. i think when they were saying bye to jordan it really hit me. damn, in a week and a half this is all over. over for real. for so long i felt like i was on a rollercoaster. like i had gotten on a ride i didnt want to be on, and there was no hope of stopping until it was over in its right time. no emergency breaks, no emergency exits, you stay strapped into your seat until its done. its the worst feeling in the world. but i got lucky, someone gave me a free pass to tell the driver to pull over and let me off. what a glorious thing, but where do i go after i get off? what will become of me? i look to the future with optimism, but everything is so unclear and mainly comprised of spur of the moment decisions that i can make no assumptions of what the picture of my future will be like.
are we ever really free?
1 comment:
Many years ago, I too embarked on a similar journey of transferring from one school to another. Even though it's been quite some time, I can still remember that sense of relief as the days left became so real that I numbered them countdown style on my calendar. Although I wouldn't admit it then, I transferred to be closer to a girl who ended up being farther and farther away from me. As I think about that -- making life decisions because of an 18 year old girl -- it seems a little silly to my adult self, but I'd be disgingenuous if I didn't acknowlege it was all so very real back then.
From time to time, I often wonder, not if, but how my life would be different had I not transferred. Because it would be different. That much I know. Everything about me would be different. My profession. My friends and enemies. My loves and losses. The successes and regrets. That may be why I find your blog interesting. It's like watching what I did so many years ago.
The truth is life is probably not so predestined. It's generally what we make of it, regardless of where or why. And even though I've made my share of mistakes along the way -- maybe transferring was one of them? -- I wouldn't change things if I had that chance. I've become indelibly attached to those people and things I've come across during this journey I've chosen. They've made me what I am today and what I feel today. My guess is that many years from now you'll feel the same about wherever you find yourself.
Maybe the question isn't whether we are ever really free. Maybe the answer is simply that there is no answer. There is no right path. There's many, many roads and it's not the road you take, but what you do on that road. Or something like that.
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