this is going to sound like a bunch of garbled up shit.

but its high time i just spat it all out.

btw eternal sunshine is basically one of the most beautiful films ever. maybe you might not know what is going on sometimes, but in the end its beautiful. i have found recently that i dont like garden state as much as i used to. i still love it. the cinematography is amazing, the characters are dynamic, the humor is unique and interesting, and for that i love it, but i can seem to feel settled with the ending. why did you do that zack braff? why? for such a unique movie such a dry ending.
jordan is not returning my messages and well wishes for his birthday. i sent him a scarf i knit. i hope he likes it. i suppose i wont know since he feels the need to hold grudges. it appears he felt more deeply for me than i realized. i dont enjoy breaking hearts and i dont like being hated. i just want to be friends again. i would love for everything to be normal when i return to the studio, but it wont. there are robots working there now. ms piggy works there. jeremy's gone. not much cool stuff is shot there anymore not like before at least, and jordan hates me.

so maybe i just wont go back.

sometimes, actually a lot of times, i ask myself, "what the fuck are you doing here?" this is in fact God's country. i would totally agree with that. but there are just things about it and im just like i dont know why im here this is not it this is not what i thought it would be there is no opportunity here and that scares the hell out of me because what if i settle what if i get stuck here. what if i become one of these people who doesnt understand how the rest of the world or dammit the rest of the county or the city is. these people who dont understand life outside the south. people who dont understand what kinds of opportunities are out there. opportunities that they could be taking because hell, someone has to and why not you?

why not you?
why not you?
why not me?

i look at craig's list for knoxville in the art section and theres just nothing. nothing. oh wait theres the ever-lucrative field of shooting those ugly-assed victorian style portraits of kids with cheap props in bad sepia and over-charging parents who are way too into their kids to do so. there's nothing. then i look at atlanta and it gets better. seattle, even better. new york, chicago, frisco, amazing. here its just telemarketing scams and tractor trailer parts.

and then i just think, ive got to get out of here.

but where do i go? im going to probably the cheapest place out of state i can possibly imagine. so my thought is go back to georgia. go to atlanta. go somewhere where you can get out and have real world experiences that will help you know the right people. but if i do that, im basically going to end up in a more community college atmosphere. maybe thats wrong. thats not very prestigious. people who do great things dont go to community colleges. fuck i go to university of tennessee. thats not exactly prestigious either. eejkawehfkajhajkdfhgkjadfhajk

im stuck.

this is what its like to be a freshman in college who has always been a little ahead in her emotional traumas and in her first semester freshman year is already losing sleep over career concerns.

but this is my life.

and i want this very badly.

i look around at people chasing whims for majors and just deciding to persue one thing or another because it sounds cool and it makes me realize how bad i actually want this.

then there's always the question of failure.

i suppose failure is a relative term though.

i kinda always secretly admired people in books like on the road, hippies and gypsies just trying to enjoy the ride and allowing the chips to fall where they may. i wish i was more like this, but its an impractical way to live if you want the kind of success i pine for. i want to come back to my high school reunion and have people say, "oh theres a reason she stayed in so much, theres a reason she was a recluse, she was in the process of making something of herself, little did we know...hey look she did amazing things with her life." i admire these people in these books, but then i go to church and i see people living much the same way there. and i have to say, i dont exactly think of people in the church being the types to live precariously in a fashion that exudes harm and bad futures. but many of them bend their plans to God's purpose for their lives. often not knowing why they do what they do, but doing it because they feel called to do so. the fashion designer once from london then from new york who moved to knoxville because she felt called. not knowing for how long she'll be here or what shes going to do. she just felt called. i admire that.


"If He who in Himself can lack nothing chooses to need us, it is because we need to be needed." -CS Lewis

i need to be needed. i know this now.

on the complete opposite end of the spectrum, i think it best that i break from the male world until i figure myself out. emotional instability and romantic relationships dont mix well, ive learned. or maybe romantic relationships cause mental instability. i cant tell at this point. ill investigate further one of these days. until then, you boys can take your penises and your sperm and your overused phrases and save it for someone who doesnt know any better. im pretty sure ill be falling for you sooner or later. but for now im going to take a break. im not going to make any promises on how long this break will last, but i think it will be beneficial.

cause theres not one instance i can recall went i went about all that kind of stuff in the right way. not once.

time changed this morning. so it begins. the decline of my life. its all pop tarts, bad tv, and fleece blankets from here on out. i get seasonal affective disorder i swear. im going to try not to too bad this time but i hear its going to be a long hard winter.

thanksgiving is soon. then christmas. somewhere in between ill be doing some risque shooting. next semester ill visit amanda. and uga again. spring break. summer...though who knows what the hell ill be doing with my time.

im done ranting. no one actually read this whole thing, but its ok i just needed to write it. to sort my thoughts out in the most illogical way.

btw kelley henkel i love you and you are the best friend i could ever ask for.

(cant wait to see your hot ass again)


You may not believe it
But I don't believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don't believe I ever did for sure
All the things I've said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality's just black and white
The sentimental things I'd write
Never meant that much to me


You don't need to hear it
But I'm dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff
All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read 'em as they say and weep
I've never felt enough to cry

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore