conversation with myself.

its time for a solid plan. its time for me to talk to myself on the internet...go:

first things first: you came here for school. that is why you are here and obviously the only reason why you are here. you must succeed in that if absolutely nothing else. otherwise you have wasted money, time, lifespan and brain power for no reason. portfolio review is next semester. if you fail that then you are fucked. yes, fucked. between now and spring you must do all you can to not become fucked in the sense of failing portfolio review. other kinds of fucking may be acceptable but will be handled on a case by case basis. should you become fucked in the sense that you fail portfolio review, it will be time for major life assessment. by the end of this semester you should have a pretty good idea of whether or not you may be successful in the review the following semester. if chances are you will fail and as aforementioned be fucked in this way, the options of transferring schools, switching majors and some forms of self mutilation will be explored. these options may include transferring to uga, gsu, aiu (back up haters), ksu, switching to business or some other businessy thing major or gouging out your eyes. The latter is not the recommended avenue seeing as to how you cannot do anything other than art and would not have much hope for that without one or both of your eyes.

now we move on to how one can survive in the meantime. you have approx. six and a half months left in the regular school year, add two months to that if you choose to pursue summer classes. long story short you will be miserable until you either: a: know you must stay here and finish out your college. you will know upon passing the portfolio review b:pursue other options outside of tennessee. you have six months of misery ahead of you, but it doesn't have to be all that bad. something made you come back here this year, so surely theres a way you can stay here and be okay. though you long so much for the familiar and to be closer to home at the same time it is hard to see yourself anywhere. face it girl, youre fuckin awkward and youre gonna be fuckin awkward across the globe. dont try to hide it or run from it. the time has come to embrace it. it took you a long time to make the friends you had in high school. its going to take you a long time again. you may never make good friends here and maybe thats ok too. as long as you can find someone in the near future that you could call to come assist you should you fall down a flight of stairs resulting in injuries, which can and very likely will happen at some point, you will be fine. whoever said college was the best time of their life was probably drunk for a solid portion of it. you are not drunk now. you are not usually drunk. everything hurts more when youre sober. here, have some chocolate.

dont be fooled, you are a changed girl. in the time since high school you have become much more reserved, retreating back into your shell. this is because by the end of high school you had confidence radiating from you. you had solid friendships and had found something you loved to do and were beginning to get good at it and you were comfortable in your location and felt safe and loved. you dont have those things now so its natural that your confidence should plummet. dont get scared about it, its ok. theres nothing wrong with a shy girl and if youre lucky youll get it back in time. youll need it later.

bill sent you his list of dates for the rest of the semester:
9/29
10/5
10/13
10/20
10/27
12/29

you will work most of these days which takes you up through the end of 2007. between weddings and trips home/visitors this takes you through the end of october leaving you with just the tail end of the semester to go. this is certainly feasible. sorority stuff will keep you busy even if it isnt stuff you want to do. school will as always keep you busy and it will never be stuff you want to do, but no matter. these are the things you must do. these are the things that will remind you youre still breathing during those times when you forget, which has been a lot lately.

you will go home in october and at that time you should get your strobes. maybe you could start a new project. it doesnt have to be anything scary, maybe just some photos of yourself. maybe you could contact the basement gallery. the owner wanted you to exhibit there sometime. maybe you should get a project going and give him a call. you could order one of those commercial photography books youve been eyeing on amazon. you could teach yourself how to shoot commercial. shoot some random products in your house add it to your portfolio. take it down to atlanta over the summer. get some clients. make yourself known. kick some ass. burn haigwood to the ground.

wait, dont burn haigwood to the ground. thats arson and youll be the first one they suspect.

naturally.

you know more than you think and you have a better grasp on yourself than you think. but not many people care how you feel and what you think and in truth they shouldnt. your throughts are not that interesting because while everyone else is moving on you are wallowing and no one likes a wallower not even you.