song of myself

this is like a vicious cycle that wont let up on me. its normal to feel sad when your boyfriends leave, when friends leave, when you say goodbye to your parents. but this is just becoming something im not sure i can handle at times.

i hope i dont sound like a self-loathing little girl looking for attention when i tell you that im dying.

but i cant tell you that im dying because you wont understand. you will tell me to join a club or talk to people i dont know.

theres a little more to it than that.

sometimes i feel like a dog being locked in a cage that only my friends and family can unlock. there are those times when i am freed from the cage and i experience the life outside.

the life outside is amazing.
the life outside is beautiful.

im so jealous of the life outside.

because before i know it, the friends, the family have gone away and its back to my cage. my cage where i dont get to feel and i dont get to be human anymore. im just around for everyone else's amusement or for everyone else to ignore. and it seems as time goes by its harder and harder to turn around, to admit defeat and go back to my cage.

i want the life outside. but you cant understand that and you never will. because you dont know. you never had a cage. and now this is my home. this is where i eat. this is where i sleep. this is where i shit and lie in it. this is where i die inside.


yeah, thats really how i feel and im sorry if you dont care and im sorry you even read this. im sorry that you have to listen to me cry even though youre not listening at all. im sorry youll never understand. you dont know what its like.