life is a delicate balance between holding on and letting go.

it has indeed been a rough week for me, and i wouldn't hesitate to say it has by far been one of the roughest. i cant say ive ever felt quite that way before. i was just sad. sad with no hope. thats an horrible feeling by the way. all leading up to my birthday, which we won't talk about right now. partially because it isn't my birthday yet and partially because im not quite ready to admit that i am actually twenty years old. we'll deal with that tomorrow.

ive always been told that doing things like making mind maps and lists and venn diagrams were good for helping sort out your thoughts and make decisions. the above is my attempt.

i think the long and short of it is that i never wanted to go to college in the first place. i couldnt really see it any other way because thats what everyone does except those who are dropouts or losers who waste their lives away into nothingness. but ive always known that i dont have to have college to do what i want to do, im sure that it is invaluably helpful to have a degree, but just the fact that its not totally required always makes me think about the other options i have in front of me. theres always the option of attending a smaller two year tech school, but a part of me would feel like im missing out on what are supposed to be the best two years of my life. i suppose the problem with all this is that these havent been the best years of my life, and the outlook is not optimistic for them becoming such.

the whole thing just makes me sad and depressed.

my entire experience at ut has made me question everything about myself. i feel like i have learned very little here and when people ask me why i came here i dont have a good answer for them. its not because of the program because as i am currently finding out (just a little bit too late) the program here is actually very bad. its not because im in state because im not. its not because i have connections or friends or family here because i dont. its not because i love knoxville because i actually now long for the city. its not because i needed to go here because i didn't.

so i dont know why i came here, and thats what i tell everyone. i dont know why i just came here because i didnt want to go to uga. but maybe i did want to go to uga i just didnt know it yet. or maybe i came here just for the sake of not going to uga.

or maybe my purpose for coming here was to question why and how i am doing anything. maybe my purpose for coming here was to help me realize i have a right to change my mind.

you have a right to change your mind, some lady said to me at debra's party. that is something someone told me when i graduated and they are absolutely right she said. nothing is too permanent to not change.

you cannot depend on anyone else for happiness. its not fair to them and its not fair to you.

i told jordan this several weeks ago. maybe i should take my own advice.

i talked to belton last night. he is doing well. he spends much of his time alone as he does not have any friends in california, but he is ok with that. he is beginning to make a name for himself and he is doing what he went out there to do, and i could not be more proud of him for that.

when i graduated from high school i wanted to go to school go to new york learn italian and work for vogue.

who was i kidding? i cant even make it in knoxville tennessee.