stream of conciousness
i swear its like i fix one thing and then immediately fuck up another. sometimes i dont even wait until the first thing is fixed to fuck up the next thing. its like i cant get all my eggs in one basket. toying with emotions, that must be my game. i never wanted to be like this. i feel like im slipping away. i feel so stupid for messing around with the one solid thing i have going on right now. heres a great idea angie, why not piss the one person off who still acts like he cares about you. that seems like a grand idea!
leave it to facebook to cause relationship problems.
i dont want to be that couple that fights all the time, but maybe thats how it always is supposed to be. if we arent fighting its probably because im in some kind of emotional wreck/state of depression that prevents me from having the willpower to fight. the rest of the time i do things i know are wrong and i know will mess things up but i do them anyway. so we fight. i feel so stupid, but i cant just beat myself up because then it will seem like i am trying to get people to feel sorry for me. i dont need sympathy, i dont deserve sympathy. frankly i have done little right in this whole thing. i open doors i know shouldnt be opened and i have major problems showing i care. i sound like a great girlfriend dont i. no one deserves this kind of treatment and i need to fix it.i just know ive said i needed to fix it but i didnt. obviously i didnt because once again i find myself furiously typing here on this stupid assed blog about the same problems over and over. im so mad at myself, but my constant hypocrisy prevents me from knowing what to do next.
1 comment:
I know of you only what I have read in a couple of posts in your blog, but I have some words of unsolicited advice. You are young. You are very young. At this point you should live in the moment and soak up all you can. Not every day will be good. Not every relationship will be good. When you notice that you are having a streak of the negative in your life, it's time to find the positive. Don't dwell in situations and waste time on something or someone who doesn't bring you the ultimate in positive feelings for the majority of the time. You will look back and treasure these years if you will only live in the moment and experience all you can. That is harder to do when you're older. You'll have plenty of time to be bitter and fight when you're older and don't have as many exciting options!
But what do I know?
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