a case of the mondays.

before i say anything id like to bring to anyone reading this's attention a really cool website that blogger just started: http://play.blogger.com

the website is a continuous slideshow of all the blogholders' photographs as they are uploaded. you get to see peoples random snapshots from all over the world flash before you. i was enthralled. i stared for ten solid minutes.

i decided to go home this weekend, much to the dismay of any rationale i have. i have a lot of work to do this week, but i didnt care. i missed my family so much i just wanted to get out of here.

i never thought there would be a day when i said i missed my family.

as i snuck into the atlanta city limits i turned the curve on 75 south where the whole city stretches out before you. it may have been the most beautiful site i have seen all year. i cried. on friday evening, as i tore up 400 north on the way to my parents lake house i cried. i cried because i knew that this is what i had to do. this was the only thing i could do. in other words, the only way i could feel like someone who is loved by anyone is to go home. thats the only place anyone loves me. thats the only place where i feel like myself. thats the only place where the permanent furrow in my brow relaxes and i feel like i can really breathe. thats the only place where i can be me and have that be ok.

something in me tells me thats not right. something in me tells me thats not the way it should be. no one should have to drive across state lines to feel alive.

im sure this is all my fault.

so now im back here on the fucking computer as usual living my cyber life. im setting up my classes for next semester, or at least trying to in vain.

when your heart and your body are in two different places it makes academia difficult.

whats even worse is when you cant find your heart at all.

perhaps mine has been pulled in too many different directions.

i have to set up classes right now and pretend like everything is ok and i want to be here so bad and so forth and such and so on. but i dont know what i will do.

last semester 18 out of 60 people passed the review. and to be honest, if today i wasnt one of the 18, i might not be so sad after all. im sure i would regret wasting two years of my life in a place i did not enjoy, but at least it would be an easy ticket out.

or is it a ticket out?

besides i cant purposefully fail the review. if i fail it has to be because i suck. if i suck fairly then thats a-ok, but only if i suck fairly.

i dont know what to do. i kinda just want to lay down for awhile.

lay down at home of course.

i think this might be the beginning of me giving up.