somethings missing.

im not alone
i wish i was
cause then id know
i was down because
i couldnt find
a friend around
to love me like
they do right now
they do right now


i dont really know how to feel anymore. the future no longer excites me it just scares me and gives me anxiety. in one aspect of my life, i am happier than i could have ever expected and things are turning out better than i ever could have hoped, but it feels like in all other aspects, things are just crashing down.

i am 100% stuck.

i cant see a way that i can move forward and be happy with my situation.

if i stay im not happy.

if i go im not happy either.

maybe im just living too much in the past. remembering the golden years of days gone by and expecting the future to be this happy go lucky good time with amazing memories and fun times.

i just feel like sometimes i dont have anything anymore.

i know thats selfish and wrong to think, I have to many things to be thankful for. its stupid of me to keep dwelling on the bad. i guess im just jealous of those people who dont cry themselves to sleep most nights.

ive become aware that all my blog entries sound the same. everyday just me moaning and groaning about my situation and plausible options. but the truth is im not going to pretend im fine when im not. try as i may to be fine i think im realizing that it is not normal to feel this way and it might not be ok to feel this way. i spend enough time trying to save face with everyone else. my friends, my family, peers at school. wearing sunglasses inside and pretending like nothings wrong when inside it feels like everything is. i refuse to deny my emotions to a computer screen that cant get mad at me for having them.

im just so scared that this is how it is for me now.

i feel like my life is over.

i just hope it isnt.