wish you were here (or even moreso that i wasnt)

Q: Which is worse, feeling trapped somewhere with no way out, or being somewhere you dont like and know you will be able to get out but noooootttt quiiiiteee yet?

A: They're both pretty damn bad.


No im stretching it. my situation is a million times better now than it was even a few weeks ago. but now i am facing yet another weekend here by myself with practically nothing to do.

thats not true, i have plenty to do.

damn, im even boring myself with this blog.

its just hard living a life with one foot out the door.

ebeth and i got to talking tonight about college and life and all that good shit. we agreed that when you get out of high school you think youre the shit and youre going to take over the world in all your excellence and achieve dreams unimaginable to anyone else. you think youre going to be better, that youre going to be different. but the world humbles you. youre really not that different. theres a reason your parents and everyone else arent famous or supermillionaires. and here i am all this time thinking its just because they didnt try as hard as im going to, maybe its because this is life. life is hard. sound simple but its true. in our narrow little high school minds we believed we were invincible. now two years later i think we're seeing the reality of things.

elizabeth asked me i if thought that i had gotten anything out of my time in tennessee (well thats not really how she phrased it, but no matter), and i didnt even have to think about the answer to that question. of course i got something out of it, i got a lot out of it. first of all, i had to know what it would be like to go away. i needed to prove to myself that i could go off on my own and start again and i dont think, even now, that ive failed in that. i went off on my own and i did everything i could do. in truth it could have been great. i could have made tons of new friends and taken off in this new place and forgotten about everyone at home. all the ingredients were there but, it just wasnt the right mix for me. i can say with confidence now that i tried and it just didnt work right here and right now, but i know im capable in the right place and time. so now i dont have to wonder.

aside from that tennessee has served as that humbling experience to me. i didnt feel sheltered here. i had to find an almost extreme form of independence, spending a lot of time by myself and relying on myself to make it through. i feel like im a stronger person for it and i feel like im better prepared than others for the future because of my experiences.

so i refuse to regret or feel bad about my decision. i dont have to explain anything to anyone else. i owe it to myself to move forward. now, i dont have to wonder what it would be like to go away, but i cant stand the thought of living the next two years wondering what it would be like to be close.


its almost the weekend. yuck.